Division of Inappropriate Technology

For years, John M. Ford has been posting on the Steve Jackson Games' Pyramid message boards. Nearly every post he signed off with an advert or jingle or microvignette from the Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow, Division of Inapropriate Technology. Always somewhat relevant to the post, and usually funny or ironic or something the germans have a word for, and always, always original.

Every now and again I grabbed one and tucked it away somewhere. Below the fold, there is a selection of these (selected by virtue of these being the first I found). I think I should warn you that without a background in role-playing games or SF wargames, some of these will go over your head. Some of them go over mine.

As Andrew Hackard (I think) said about him, "Normally, I don't respond to every cool thing John M. Ford says, because who has that kind of time?"

John M. Ford

Div. of Inappropriate Technology

Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow

Creators of THE BABYLON 4 ROLEPLAYING GAME:
Where You Already Know What Your Characters Did, But You Do it Anyway

Creators of THE STARFLEET BUTTER BATTLES BOOK:
"If your shirt is red, you should not be about!
You should not beam down when the Captain is out!"

Creators of STARFLEET TUB BATTLES:
"Scotty, I need more baking soda NOW!"

Creators of PAPER TARGETS:
Finally, enough Palace Guards (no painting!)

Creators of PI YOUR TYPE:
The Game that Combines Scrabble with Jenga

Creators of OGRE, THE RAINBOW:
"Bolo, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

Creators of SPACE POOLE -- Like ASTEROIDS, but with Dead Guys

Creators of FOWLERS & FLAGONS:
Adventuring in the Dangerous World of English Usage

Creators of OVER THE LIMIT: Sorry, Your Reality Check is Not Approved

Creators of MADE YA LOOK: The Game of Seeing if Anyone's Paying Attention

Creators of GIVE AWAY THE BRAIN -- The Game that makes YOU Speaker of the House
Coming: LORD OF THE FILES, the Independent Prosecutor Expansion Set

Creators of BIG CARDBOARD HEROES: Now where do we get 2' plastic clips?

Creators of JACK WEB'S WWW.DRAG.NET: "Just the FAQs, Ma'am."

Creators of DEEP BLACKJACK -- the Orbital Mind Control Blunt Instrument

Creators of DRANG NACH AUSTIN -- Part of the Texopa Series

Creators of GODZILLA VS. GARGAMEL:
"Hmm. I'm going to need a bigger cauldron."

Creators of OGRE JELLY -- Spread it REALLY Thin

Creators of GURPS BATMAN -- "Master Bruce, you haven't enough points to refill your utility belt.

Creators of The Four Sheepmen of the Apocalypse:
Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, and Dolly

Creators of GURPS DIALECTICAL MATERIALISM: Eventually, the Die Rolls will Wither Away

Creators of ELVES IN BLACK
*flash*
"You didn't see a large man in a red suit. A large cat made the prints on the roof. You ate the cookies and milk yourself. And you bought all the gifts."
"Yeah, and . . . smile when you give 'em to your kids."

Creators of TRIBES IN SPACE -- Gronk Throw Rock Real Far Here!

Creators of EN GARDE LOO -- Adventuring in the Streets of Paris

Creators of BERLITZKRIEG: The Wargame for Pidgin Fanciers

Creators of HUSKER DU? THE GATHERING
The Game of Remembering What Cards You've Got

Creators of ORCS TO NEWCASTLE:
"Actually, me lad, Verney's ****in' well-spoken for a Tyneside Orc. But it's only when he's pullin' the arms off people and makin' holiday garlands with their bowels that he becomes ****in' eloquent."

Creators of HELMSDEEP TROOPERS:
"Orcs, Mr. Aragorn! Zillions of 'em!"
"I read you, soldier. Now put another dwarf in your Y-rack and move forward."

Creators of THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY BLACKADDERS:
"Gentlemen, the Empire is desperate. Just how desperate may be apparent by
the fact that we have called you together in its defence. Now, to our cunning
plan."

Creators of SIR KENNETH CLARK'S HISTORY OF TELEVISION:
For twelve solid weeks, more deploring than the medium has ever presented.

Creators of THE RUST MONSTER ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE:
If People Were Supposed to Wear Metal Clothes, They Would Have Been Born with
Ziebart Undercoating.

Creators of MUPPET TROJAN WAR:
"The enemy has fled, and left as tribute a gigantic wooden chicken."

Creators of SMURFETTE WITH A SIX-GUN:
Blue. Bouncy. Bad to the Bone.

Creators of MEN ARE FROM THE MIRROR UNIVERSE, WOMEN ARE ANTIMATTER:
Relationships in the Star Trek Continuity

Creators of Volunteers Against Vampiric Obloquy and Odious
Misapprehensions (VAVAVOOM):
"We are against death being presented as a negative thing. We are not necessarily in favor of drinking blood; drinking blood is a matter for the individual post-living person to decide. We are simply trying to encourage a death-positive attitude."

Creators of THE SOCIETY OF DEAD SORCERERS [SODS]:
Been There. Done That. Got the Shroud.

Creators of ANNALS OF THE BLOGGER-GOOGLE MERGER:
Boggle. Goggle. Goober. Gurble. .Log-Log. Booger. Orgone. No, wait, that's been used. Maybe we should call the whole thing off.

Creators of 101 REASONS RPing DOES NOT HAVE A POET LAUREATE:
Winding your life in a character sheet
Began in the middle of '74
(Although we had cowboyed and Injuned before)
Between the first trip down to Sesame Street
And the end of the Asian war.

Creators of FOR LO, THE PLOT IS ALREADY WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE:
"Among my people, a man has his foreshadowing removed at birth. It saves a lot of trouble in later life.

Creators of DUNGEON DENTIST:
"Look at the size of that abscess. It must have hurt this dragon like hell to eat our cleric."

Creators of GRECO-ROMAN TRAGIC WRESTLING:
"And in a remarkable display of hubris, the challenger is yelling for
the Furies to come get him! As if in response, a gaunt little old
lady with a big purse has leapt into the ring and is starting a
soliloquy. The Chorus is screaming to be heard over her! What a fight!"

Creators of THE MERCATOR ASTRAL PROJECTION:
Makes Your Ego Look Bigger than Greenland

Creators of UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS, DEAD: THE COUNTRY HOUSE MURDER RPG:

Rule 12. Do not have your character overpack. Any decent country house will have adequate wardrobe for emergency use, and one of you isn't going to need a change of clothes anyway.

Rule 12a. By Edwardian standards, "overpacking" consists of more luggage than two motor vehicles can carry. You may bring less only if you are a Wayward Son, an International Adventurer, or a Remittance Man, in which case one Gladstone bag containing a change of underwear, a dirty French novel, a bottle of hooch, and something usable as a murder weapon (which may be one of the above items) is adequate.

Creators of THE WHITEDUNGEON HORROR:
"McNaghten, this series of Orc mutilations must be stopped. Two or three thousand dead Orcs in the East End might be put down to ordinary street violence, but eighteen thousand in one night is clearly the work of a man with an obsession."

Creators of THE BUMPER FUN BOOK OF CRITICAL FAILURES:
"No, the chopstick doesn't hurt. The wasabi hurts."

Creators of NORTHERN THINGS:
Be all you can be. Beowulf.

Creators of WEENSY BIT RESENTFUL, THE RPG:
"Could we get a Cure Light Pique spell over here, pretty please with
orc blood on top?"

Creators of DRUG LORDS OF MIDDLE-EARTH:
"The Orcs of the Corleone tribe do not deal in pipeweed. Let Tartaglia's Orcs traffic therein. Now, to other matters. This Gandalf, he has a horse he is quite fond of, I understand?"

Creators of D OR D 3e: EXTREME DUNGEON VOLLEYBALL:
It's not about the gameplay. It's about the character design.

Creators of THE MALTESE POKEMON:
"Miles wasn't stupid. He wouldn't have gone into combat with a half-dragon, half-hamster alone at night with his gun in his pants and his overcoat buttoned. But He would have gone down there with you, and your big eyes and your teensy lips and that Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt and your big damn robot. He was just dumb enough for that."

Creators of TRAFALGAR, THE MOTION PICTURE:
"Emma! I have recovered from my trivial wound and returned to you more dashing than ever. And this is Mr. Hardy. He will be moving in with us and kissing me occasionally."

Creators of MAN SUES CHILDREN UNDER DMCA:
Claims They Made Unauthorized Copies of his DNA, Demands Royalties on
Grandchildren

Creators of DUNGEON OF HUMOR:
"Why behold, it is a ten-foot room, and within it lurks an Orc with his foot in a bucket."
"And it is funny!"
"I draw my sword and slash with fury, and the Orc trips on his severed arm and falls!"
"And yea verily, it is funny!"
"Here is a chest of punchlines and a +4 Cushion of Whoopee!"
"Huzzah!"
"Lo, we have many more corridors of such risibility to proceed through, and lots of supporting characters to kill."
"Yuk yuk yuk."
"Hey, isn't that Jeremy Irons exposing himself?"
"Hurrah, a guest star! And it is funny!"

*It has been noted that an awful lot of Sixties sitcoms have variants on the premise of "Guy with Big Secret that will ruin his life if it gets out" -- he talks to his horse, his wife's a witch, his roommate is from Mars -- and it has also been noted that one could fill in the blank with "Uh, he's gay," without changing a whole lot.

Creators of THE PARACHRONIC SURVEY CORPS:
Visit Strange New Worlds. Read Their Discarded Newspapers.
[Usually rendered in Latin, so it sounds more stirring.]

Creators of SPACE: 1669:
"From the angle of the plume adorning his helmet, I must assume Monsieur has come for a fight."
"In this you would be correct, though I would not wish to inconvenience you by dueling here."
"Pah. I fight equally well in any gravity. Please have your automaton exchange formalities with my automaton, and we shall have at it."

Creators of GLOBAL REPLACEMENT THEATRE:
"For [Pete's] shall we sit on the [asteroid] and tell sad stories of
the [obsolescence] of [robots]?
How some have been [worn out], some [reprogrammed], some [powered down
and used as hallway lamps],
For within the hollow [can] that girds the mortal [chipset] of a [bot]
Keeps [Bill Gates] court;
And there the [geekboy] sits, [making big bucks] off his pomp and
[revisions of] his state,
And at the end takes an [Outlook], and bores through his [fire] wall,
And [Big Blue Screen]."

Creators of THE DEFINITIVE TAVERN BRAWL:
"Well, that was a fine exercise. Now that we are friends, shall we all go into the nearby dungeon, kill many orcs and trolls and necromancers and gelatinous fruit salads and dragons and stuff and become temporarily wealthy?"
"Sure, but not counting the innkeeper, I'm the only one who isn't dead. No, wait, the innkeeper's beautiful daughter's only got a concussion."

Creators of LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND GURPS:
Never count the Disad points.

Creators of 1001 WAYS TO ACQUIRE WEALTH WITHOUT HARDLY TRYING MUCH:
The Magic Wallet! The Wire, the Fight Store, and The Pay-Off!
Come-Ons and Shills, Tales and Sends, and the Immortal Cackle-Bladder!
Stats for GURPS and, uh, That Other System.

Creators of MONSTER CHILLER MASTERPIECE THEATRE:
"Good evening. I'm Alister Blackadder, moonlighting from the BBC's American Pandering Division, and tonight we're going to present our original adaptation -- ooh, what a construction -- of H. P. Lovecraft's 'The Thing on the Doorstep.' Some of you may not be aware that H. P. Lovecraft was an American, since he wrote horror stories before Stephen King, but let me assure you that he was. In our cast this evening are Jeremy Irons as the Thing, and the 'Ground Force' team will be building the Doorstep live on our soundstage. I hope you're scared already."
"My lord?"
"One momemt. I must consult with my dogsbody, Senior BBC Programme Planner Baldrick. Baldrick, I have reminded you more than once that the little red light on the snouty-box means 'do not bother his Lordship.' Now, what is it?"
"My lord, Jeremy Irons can't be here. He's accepting the BAFTA award for Best Grimace for 'Dungeons and Dragons'."
"I loathe live television. And?"
"They want you to put on the top half of a Dalek suit and play the Thing."
"I don't suppose I need ask who will be the hind end of the Dalek?"
"I have a cunning adaptation of the Stanislavsky Method, my lord."

Creators of HIGH CONCEPT THEATER:
"Okay, this guy's really ticked off that God wants him to relocate to Seattle, and -- here's our hook -- he gets swallowed by a different great fish every week. Our sell line is 'A gullet full of guest stars!'"

Creators of AMATEURS IN SPACE:
"After all," said Braga, "this science fiction crap was invented by Gene Roddenberry, but he's dead, so we have no models whatsoever to work from and must make sh*t up to the best of our ability."

Creators of THE LEGION OF HOMELAND SECURITY:
"Hey, Cyborg, you look even more ticked-off than usual."
"Yeah. I was supposed to go to some disaster with Wonder Woman in the robot plane."
"Uh . . . metal detector problems, right?"

Creators of DUNGEON OF SILENCE:
"They're not making a sound, and they're all dead pale."
"Get the stakes out. Undead or mimes, it doesn't matter."

Creators of SONGS FROM THE DUNGEONS & DRAGONS MOVIE:
Rescued from the sound guy's trunk, the classic hits that didn't. Listen for the first time to Get Down and Gimme Some Backstory, [Bleep,] Is He Evil or What? the plaintive Tell Me Where the Plot Has Gone, Not the Love Theme from D&D, Staring at a Blue Screen Blues, Oh Thank God My Character's Dead and Raise Your Hand if You Can Act.

Creators of MORE REVISIONIST WESTERNS:
"Good thinking, Tonto. Butch Cavendish was bound to hit his hand while you were showing a six."
"That easy part, Kemosabe. Tough part was getting him to bet his six-guns."
"True, old friend. Butch is the most dangerous man in the West, but he's dumber than a cactus sandwich."

Creators of HISTORY OF TECHNOLOGY, THE EARLY YEARS:
"Can any of the flintheads out there give me reasonable stats on the pointed stick vs. the pointed stick with a point stuck in the hot red stuff? It seems like the burny-stick would be better against high-DR big stuff like green fangies (are those suckers fast or what?) but the plain point might break up real good inside fuzzy big stuff. I need answers quick, or we're gonna have to take up sticking roots in the ground to keep from starving, and then the women will want some kind of authority, and the world will end. Thanks." -- Found on a cave wall in Northern Europe

Creators of DUNGSOC:
"The object of killing stuff is killing stuff. The object of experience points is experience points. If you want a vision of the future, it is a foot in a Boot of No Particular Speed kicking down a reinforced door. Forever."

Creators of AT THE KLINGON MOVIES:
"Okay, we're agreed. Pirates of the Caribbean is the product of an advanced culture. We will not raid theatres showing it. Sidenote: the military has formally decided that individual commanders may decide to allow their troops to dress like Johnny Depp."
"Our next picture is Gigli. Fleets are on alert to utterly destroy all theatres showing this movie, everyone who was involved in its production, and any surviving advertising material. Persons who have seen it are subject to detention and re-education."

Creators of OLD YOUNG GUNS:
Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen play elderly guys selling popcorn at Mann's Chinese Theatre, who spend their break time wondering why Kiefer Sutherland is still a movie star and they're not.

Creators of YOUNG DOCTOR GODZILLA:
"But, Doctor, there must be another way -- perhaps an emergency amputation?"
"No, Chairman Kaga, the brain tumor has proceeded too far for that. The only way to save this squeaky-voiced young girl's life is for me to step on a great deal of Tokyo, while howling loudly."

Creators of SONGS FROM THE TOLKIEN ORCISH:
Smelling little Hobbits, by the gate of Doom,
We're all dripping gobbets and our guts are going boom,
We're gonna overrun the Men,
We'll do some offstage rapine, then
Wie einst, Lili von Mordor.
Wie einst, mein Orca Schön.